The Mummy (Cruise one, NOT the Fraser one)

At the library at work I noticed The Mummy on the ‘Hot Picks’ shelf.  No one wanted to see this at the movies with me and do I blame them?  But the only way to really know if it’s terrible is to watch it.

I’m going to write the synopsis/review as I watch it.  I’ll be giving away lot of plot points so spoilers, ye have been warned!

England 12th century, a knight gets entombed with a jewel.

Jewel of the Nile?  Nah, more like Romancing the Stone.

Then it’s present day and a huge tunnel is being borrowed in England for transporation.  The excavation reveals a tomb filled with lots of coffins dated from the 2nd Crusade.

The Crusaders sure had a bloody good time.

The excavation crew is flummoxed when they’re told to leave because someone else is taking over.  But you can’t say no to Gladiator (Russell Crowe).

No passing notes in class!

Gladiator sees a tomb that has Egyptian hieroglyphics on it and begins narration as we see a flashback of an Egyptian princess, Princess Ahmanet.  Does she look familiar?  That’s Jaylah from Star Trek: Beyond, Sofia Boutella.

The eye shadow is very important.

Ahmanet was destined to be the ruler of Egypt, but then Dad (Pharaoh) goes and has a son and that makes Princess mad!  She then makes a pact with Set for power and vengeance.  By inheriting a dagger from Set’s shadowy form, runes appear all over Ahmanet’s body.  She’s reborn a monster and kills her whole family.  Ahmanet is about to use the dagger on some dude so Set can be reborn in that body, but people stop her and mummify her alive and she’s buried far from Egypt.

Would you like your purchase gift-wrapped?

Now we’re taken to Iraq, where Mesopotamia used to be.

Tom Cruise is introduced as Nick, a ‘liberator of precious antiquities’ yet he’s also part of an armed force division.  He has a map that points him to treasure.  Nick and his buddy-in-arms, Vail, come under fire.  Luckily an airstrike is called in and the enemies retreat but the blast reveals something ominous…

Do you ever get that sinking feeling?

In front of Nick’s commanding officer, a woman slaps Nick and accuses him of stealing the map from her during a brief dalliance they had.  She’s surprised to see an Egyptian tomb so far from Egypt, 1000 miles.  They’re allowed a few hours to examine the ruins.

Cover your mouth when you yawn, please.

They descend further and discover liquid mercury dripping from the ceiling that leads to a ritual well, a pool.  Jennifer (slapper) realizes that something is in place to be kept into the pool.  It’s not a tomb, but a prison.  They only have so much time and Nick decides to cut the cord and get whatever’s inside the pool.  He stares at the coffin and sees Princess Amhanet in the desert.  She calls him…

How much time was spent to get that ringlet of hair to get it to look like a snake?!

The coffin is lifted and there just happens to be a sandstorm on its way and crows are following them.

Earlier in the tomb, Vail gets bitten by a spider and Nick says camouflage spiders are not poisonous.  But on the plane the bite apparently did more as he gets possessed, and bullets won’t stop him as he’s trying to free Ahmanet.  A bunch of crows hit the plane head on killing the pilot and co-pilot and it starts to go down.  Nick gives a parachute to Jennifer and she survives, but Nick doesn’t.  In the morgue…however…

Flatliner revived?  Although The Mummy got 16% on Rotten Tomatoes, the remake of Flatliners got 4%.  UGH.

Ahmanet feeds off of two officers who investigate where the plane crashed by draining their life force.  Then commands them to rise, zombies.  Wait…is there a difference between mummies and zombies?  They’re both undead.

This book probably has all the answers you need and more.

Nick and Jennifer can’t understand why he’s alive and not harmed.

Wait, shouldn’t you be behind the bar making drinks?  Cocktail!

Jennifer talks about how Ahmanet was erased from history, and that the dagger she used was separated from the stone in the hilt. Combined they can be used to bring back Set.  Jennifer is convinced both are in Europe and with the weird stuff happening that they’ve angered the gods.  Nick sees Vail as a cursed ghost and warns him.  Nick now believes he’s cursed and tries to urge Jennifer to believe him.  What?!  Of course she should believe him!  He’s not scratched one bit and has risen from the dead.

Jennifer and Nick go back to the site and Nick gets held down by zombies while Ahmanet finds the dagger and is about to use it on Nick when it stops in the air.

Don’t mind us.

Jennifer interrupts them and they fight their way out and she gets the dagger.  They surmise that Ahmanet is in his head.  Just as Ahmanet is about to drain Jennifer, dudes show up and with grappling hooks to subdue Ahmanet.

Looking for a relationship, strings attached.

We finally have Henry meet Nick, and he introduces himself as Dr. Henry Jekyll.

The concept of the Dark Universe is sort of interesting, bringing back classics and reimagining them.  Having Dr. Jekyll with ties to the Mummy is kind of intriguing.  However, your premiere movie concerning the Dark Universe better be a good one, and the Mummy isn’t up to muster.

The doctor has a semi-freak out moment but subsides whatever disease he has by injecting himself with a serum.  He has amassed a lot of information and artifacts concerning evil monsters over the years and he has a lair and staff who will fight for him.  Hmmm…ok…

Ahmanet is chained and liquid mercury is being pumped into her to mummify her. Jennifer is horrified at this idea as she is a living witness to a great historical era.  What?  Ahmanet is evil and has powers beyond compare and you want to spare her?  Oh please.

Ah, stuff it!

Meanwhile the excavation team finds the sarcophagus with the stone and Ahmanet senses it and puts a plan in motion and uses her voice to summon a spider to do its bidding.  The spider goes into a worker’s ear and he becomes possessed.  Henry rants that they’re going to use Nick to bring back Set in order to destroy him.  Nick grabs an injection that Henry is going to give himself because he’s about to have another episode and gives it back, but it’s too late, he turns into Mr. Hyde.

You can’t hide from Mr. Hyde!

Ahmanet freed now walks the streets and transmutes all the glass from the city into sand, causing a big sandstorm in her wake.  This I found very clever indeed.

“Witchy Woman” by the Eagles is playing in my head now.

In fact, here’s a video of that song!

Ahmanet uses her powers and has the knights from the tomb rise up to defeat the excavation crew and soldiers.  

Jennifer dies while drowning and Nick and Ahmanet face off.

“It’s not me, it’s you.”  Actual dialogue from the movie.  Really?

Just as Nick is about to give the dagger to Ahmanet, he stabs himself in hopes to bring Jennifer back to life since he’ll have god-like powers.  Does he think he can control Set?

French kiss?  Nah, more like life-sucking-drain-your-soul kiss.  Ouch.

Ahmanet defeated and Nick brings Jennifer back to life, but at what cost?

Really?  You’re going to keep Ahmanet’s corpse around?!

“Hey, Nick.  Nick, I’m really glad to be here.  I mean thank you for bringing me back to life and everything Nick, but what are we even doing here?  Where are going?”  Actual dialogue.  UGH.

So Vail and Nick ride off hoping to find something to free himself from Set.

Pyramid schemes.

I watched this movie so you don’t have to!  It wasn’t flat out terrible, but I’m so glad I didn’t watch this in the theaters.  The dialogue was poor and at times wholly unbelievable.  Special effects pretty good.  Clearly we haven’t seen the last of anyone here as Universal wants to set up more for their Dark Universe agenda.